@WookieOnUnicorn
@EugeneMirman
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
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@EugeneMirman
@AndyAsAdjective
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
@Dawn_M_
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
@TheAndrewNadeau
socrates: the only thing I know is that I know nothing
me: aw, hey, don’t say that. you know stuff
socrates: no, I meant—
me: if you want I can teach you some things
socrates:
me:
socrates:
me: *points* that’s a tree
@UncleDuke1969
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
@TBH42
There was a time when men expected to be your lover without getting with your friends. That all changed in 1996. Let me tell you a story…
@PaperWash
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
@AristotlesNZ
Those of you wondering what its like to be married: Just found out this morning I’m on day 3 of an argument I didn’t know I was having…
@markydoodoo
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
@BoomBoomBetty
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”