@WookieOnUnicorn

Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars

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@EugeneMirman

I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.

@AndyAsAdjective

INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?

ME: shape shifting

INTERVIEWER: is that so?

INTERVIEWER: yes

INTERVIEWER: holy shit

@Dawn_M_

I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.

@TheAndrewNadeau

socrates: the only thing I know is that I know nothing

me: aw, hey, don’t say that. you know stuff

socrates: no, I meant—

me: if you want I can teach you some things

socrates:

me:

socrates:

me: *points* that’s a tree

@UncleDuke1969

“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”

@TBH42

There was a time when men expected to be your lover without getting with your friends. That all changed in 1996. Let me tell you a story…

@PaperWash

In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.

@AristotlesNZ

Those of you wondering what its like to be married: Just found out this morning I’m on day 3 of an argument I didn’t know I was having…

@markydoodoo

If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.

@BoomBoomBetty

[at seance]

Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.

Ghost Husband: I’m here.

Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.

Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”