Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@MaryJustice86

People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.

@mommajessiec

[in the bedroom]

Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.

Me: Okay.

H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*

@oakhillbargrill

Son: I’m addicted to morphing

Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?

Son: No Dad,not Morphine

Dad: what?

Son: *turns into bat

@WheelTod

My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her

@MyPolishFace

Me: We should go to the gym more often.
Him: I hate it there. It’s like a meat market. And I’m the expired meat.

@mommywhitfield

Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.

@fro_vo

Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late

@Steelers1972

You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.

@patnspankme

Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.

@donni

Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares