People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
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[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Son: *turns into bat
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
Me: We should go to the gym more often.
Him: I hate it there. It’s like a meat market. And I’m the expired meat.
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares