Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
You Might Also Like
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?