Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
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I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
[the middle of showering] I need a break