My Plans 2020
You Might Also Like
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
Science memes
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”