[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
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I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus