“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
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[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
I don’t claim to know what happens inside the dishwasher, but I’m guessing that it’s like the first 15 minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
Hey boy, are you an astronaut? Cause you’re invading my space
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
I hate mischief night. Some kids stole the toilet paper I was storing all over my roof and trees
Nothing screams passive agressive quite like letting your spouse sleep in, while also letting the kids play loudly outside the bedroom door
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
At this point, the only guy on the internet that I trust with my personal data is that Nigerian Prince.