Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.

Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?

Rey: No.

Me: Good. Let’s get started.

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Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries

Hannibal Lector: lady fingers


*puts on a tuxedo*

I’m here to lodge a formal complaint.


me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby

them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby

me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster


<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.


wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge


So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.



Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.


Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*


The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.


me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?

girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?

me: no girls allowed