Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
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If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
tis the season
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.