Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
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*puts on a tuxedo*
I’m here to lodge a formal complaint.
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed