“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
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“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic