Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
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*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
I’m ready for Halloween this year
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
Challenge accepted.
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.