Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
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*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front