[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
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My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
Message from the dog groomers
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.