“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
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get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.