@TwatWaffler69

Rich guy does it: 50 Shades of Grey.
Poor guy does it: Cops.

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@fro_vo

me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing

psychic: *whispers* seance

me: ance

@Hilarious_Idiot

Harry Potter fans: I wanna go to Hogwarts. Narnia fans: I wanna go to Narnia. Hunger Games fans: Nope I’m good..

@envydatropic

Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.

@phalguy

10: What does AF mean?

After Flossing. Now go brush your teeth and they will be clean AF.
Why do you ask?

10: Mom said you were lazy AF.

@shariv67

The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.

@TedInModeration

Dude on the street corner was like $5 for a sandwich? And he didn’t even have a sandwich is why I have trust issues

@ambamthankyamam

I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.