Rich guy does it: 50 Shades of Grey.
Poor guy does it: Cops.

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me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing

psychic: *whispers* seance

me: ance


Harry Potter fans: I wanna go to Hogwarts. Narnia fans: I wanna go to Narnia. Hunger Games fans: Nope I’m good..


Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.


10: What does AF mean?

After Flossing. Now go brush your teeth and they will be clean AF.
Why do you ask?

10: Mom said you were lazy AF.


The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.


Dude on the street corner was like $5 for a sandwich? And he didn’t even have a sandwich is why I have trust issues


I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.