If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
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if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.