Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
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A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
peeping toms
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
*looks at you in batman voice*
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.