rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
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Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
hmm conte-me mais
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
I drew y’all a little something.
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!