rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
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Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found