Rich People Podcasts are wild.
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Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
Posting this on behalf of a friend
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that