@PhilthePill

Rich People Podcasts are wild.

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@wolfpupy

making internet enemies is a lot easier than making internet friends but i guess it does keep the curse protection talisman industry alive.

@IvoryGazelle

Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since

@ventivodkacran

I have too much stuff in my closet, so no one can be certain Tom Cruise isn’t hanging out in there, too.

@kimtopher22

I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.

@johnbiehl

*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*

@Marlebean

Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.

@AndrewsNotFunny

*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*

Teller: holy shit

Me: what

Teller: you suck at art

@WilliamAder

Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.

@Carbosly

“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”

– Corporate ants.

@Angibangie

I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it