Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
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puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
catch me on valentine’s day like
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
This is my emotional support knife.
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.