Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
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One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board u
ME: Hahaha, where u gonna find enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Oh shit
honey the ppl of atlantis lost an entire city & thats like 2000x bigger than a baby so idk if all this yellin is necessary
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
interviewer: how are you with excel?
me: i hate it
interviewer: an experienced user then
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
WebMD: stomach cancer