Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
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Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.