Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
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Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people