RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
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[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist