RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
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First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
Dance like you’re not the father
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
That’s a good costume, I hope.