RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
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*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Natural selection at its finest
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.