How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
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It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
pizza
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
The fall of Netflix
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.