My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
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Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down