Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
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“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.