@fillthevacuum

*rides off into the sunset*

*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*

*rides off into the sunset*

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@zaiush_sarel

People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb

@ecareyo

Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?

@pixelatedboat

Ronald McDonald kills millions of cows and he’s the world’s most beloved clown, but I butcher one and I “ruined your son’s birthday party”?

@KentTheG

I dated a meteorologist once just so I could be with a woman who wasn’t right all the time.

@TwatyTweets

When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.

@AtticusFinch79

<gets on elevator >

Pushes all the buttons

Hugs everyone

Prays out loud that we’re not going to die

Gets off at the 2nd floor

Laughs

@heytherejeffro

Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.

@Diversion50

I once had an epileptic fit during my turn at a game of charades.

Everyone just kept yelling, “HOW MANY WORDS?” and “IS IT THE EXORCIST?”.