alien: take me to your leader
me: uh i’m the leader
alien: oh, chill. anyway,
me: why didnt you think i was the leader
alien: no no,
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
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If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
Don’t hand out condoms to high school students. Take away their deodorant and toothbrush. That’ll cut down teen pregnancy
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help
(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
“Do you like boy acrobats?”