@TheRolo

*Rides unicorn to work*

*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*

*Chats with mermaids*

*Argues with Medusa*

*Gets called in to HR*

*Fails drug test*

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@Reverend_Scott

That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??

@iwearaonesie

wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes

@iLikeCatShirts

It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.

@ginnyhogan_

I had to break up with a guy because he told me I brought out the “best in him.” I was like wait – this is it?

@Bedlam_Beersie

HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!

HEATHER: You wanna bet?

@namelesstv

Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.

@JustBeingEmma

My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?

@relatabledad

“hey is that a banana in your pock–”
*his pants open*
*a banana steps out*
*it walks towards you*
*it hugs you*
“u have freed me. thank u

@PopSlapFunk

The silent “p” and “s” in “Corps” are why I have hardcorps trust issues.