@ddrwg

[Riding a saddled turtle]
BATTLE TORTOISE, GOOOO!!
[turtle just goes normal speed for turtles]
Aww man.

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@KateWhineHall

My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.

@joejwest

ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again

@JB4Realz

Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.

@burntmybagel

My chiropractor told me I have to stop using air quotes when I call him “doctor.”

@HeyLynnMolly

A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.

@mikejanson2

Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

A: You look for the fresh prints!

I’ll show myself out y’all

@BrotiGupta

If I ever seem smug or like I have a huge ego, it is typically because I have been regular for like 3 days

@notmythirdrodeo

My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.

@TheToddWilliams

[wine and cheese]

HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?

370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks

@ladybroseph

*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.