My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
[Riding a saddled turtle]
BATTLE TORTOISE, GOOOO!!
[turtle just goes normal speed for turtles]
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ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
My chiropractor told me I have to stop using air quotes when I call him “doctor.”
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
If I ever seem smug or like I have a huge ego, it is typically because I have been regular for like 3 days
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.