*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
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A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
United Steaks of America
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
You can’t rush stupid.
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
I know