[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
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if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
Bread puns are on the rise!
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree