[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
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Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
dream blunt rotation
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
Best misinterpreted text ever!
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.