This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
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Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
seems like a niche market
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.