Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
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My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.