Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
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The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.