You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
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Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
BaD BoY!!
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
The biggest mystery of our time
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane