[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
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[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
This has made my week.
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
I’m giving up for Lent.
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.