Crush: what’s your zodiac sign?
*he’s not sure but he wanted to impress her so he said,
Guy: you first 🙂
Crush: I’m Cancer ☺ And you?
Guy: uhmmm… I’m…. Ulcer 🙄
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
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I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
I am in:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
To avoid looking at the glass as half empty or full, i drink straight from the bottle.