Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
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You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
Happy Febuary everyone!
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
Woke up with morning Yule Log
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
Twitter fine art
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.