Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
You Might Also Like
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
TWEET CALL
Thank you to 15k of you who followed me for one reason or another! Please share one tweet from you or a friend and please consider donating to this friend of mine. She is in a bad place and trying to get out, please share if you can ❤️
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
Best spoiler warning ever
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
The struggle is real
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
figuring out my emotional availability:
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.