Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
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You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
You know I’m something of a chef myself
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
Why is everyone getting married at me
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.