@ADHDeanASL

Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit

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@TheCatWhisprer

COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE

@ch000ch

woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing

@13spencer

Relationship advice:

Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.

@brennadine

Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.

@3sunzzz

My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.

@Smooheed

It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together

I know this now

@daddydoubts

At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.

@bxllaneira

I lost money and friends this year, I just want the money back.

@badAzz_mom

People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.