My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
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COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
I lost money and friends this year, I just want the money back.
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.