Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
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I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.