I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
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tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
The Compass
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,