Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
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wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
[on my way back to the posting caves]
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
first you must answer his riddles
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
#Caturday
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
Note to self: I am a note
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?