I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
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I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids: