@HatfieldAnne

Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?

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@SaltyCorpse

My son got a Country Boy sticker for his truck. I wrote “but I live on a golf course and I’m afraid of cows” under it bc I don’t like lies.

@Darlainky

Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. Itโ€™s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.

@iamburtjarvis

[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]

“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”

bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT

@rickolantern

The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going

@david8hughes

[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns

@stewteee

Her: Penny for your thoughts?

Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?

Her:

Me:

Her: Can I have my money back please?!

@SondraDeeMe

Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.

@Reverend_Scott

Fun Fact:

A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.