Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?

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god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked

angel: wait what

god: I told you to make them meatier

angel: oh MEATier


I called the cops on my own party one time because I was ready to go to bed.


9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself

The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.


It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.


Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.


I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.


Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”

Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”


It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”


I told an ex of mine that i wished she was more punctual. So, from then on, she added !!!!!!! to every text. I have picked some winners.