god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
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I called the cops on my own party one time because I was ready to go to bed.
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
I used to be married, but I’m better now
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
I told an ex of mine that i wished she was more punctual. So, from then on, she added !!!!!!! to every text. I have picked some winners.