My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
You Might Also Like
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.