@mrtruthandsoul

Right now, somewhere in China, someone is wokking their dog

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@yourbizsucks

I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail

@TweetsByKaylee

batman: who do I see about this ticket?

cop: oh, I wrote it

batman: who tickets the batmobile!?

cop: you were illegally parked

batman: I was fighting crime!

cop: rules are rules

batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!

cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?

@ItsSamG

Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.

I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.

@GrantTanaka

doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office

@1MeLrO

Shutting down the bars and liquor stores and my daughters college for the semester.

You want to see a triggered new 21 year old

FML

@AndyAsAdjective

[spelling bee]

your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’

“can you use it in a sentence?”

yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’

@wolfmannjr

“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward

@david8hughes

“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”