Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
Right now, somewhere in China, someone is wokking their dog
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Parents: Knock knock.
Me: Who’s there?
Parents: Mom and dad.
Me: Mom and dad who?
Parents: Exactly, you’re adopted son.
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
People hear my southern accent and automatically assume I’m stupid. Let me tell you something right now. That is just a coincidence.
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.