@mrtruthandsoul

Right now, somewhere in China, someone is wokking their dog

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@dixonshuman

If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank

@dyldonot

Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”

-Eminem at a farm.

@pilau

Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN

me: hi

Danny Devito: well hello there

@TheTweetOfGod

You are free to criticize athletes. They are free to criticize you too of course, but they don’t, because your job is dull and no one cares.

@donni

Shout out to people who block me cuz it hurts their feelings I occasionally fav them without following. You can also just ask me to stop :/

@Adar79Angie

When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.

@lydiagreer

Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today

@_ElvishPresley_

[face down in a bowl of hot soup]

WAITER: is everything ok?

ME: could I get a spoon or something

@WheelTod

I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.