Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
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Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
Van Gone
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”