right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf

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Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call


Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.


I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good


What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?

“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?

Whatever it is, I’m that


Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.


It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.


This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.


[christmas dinner]


extended family member:


extended family member:



9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.


I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?