right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
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You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore