@drankturpentine

right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf

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@ieatanddrink

Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call

@capnwatsisname

Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.

@KDsFavs

I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good

@StinkyGr33n

What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?

“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?

Whatever it is, I’m that

@WheelTod

Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.

@ABurgerADay

It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.

@TheAlexNevil

This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.

@crocodilethumbs

[christmas dinner]

me:

extended family member:

me:

extended family member:

me:

@copymama

9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:

@3sunzzz

I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?