Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
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My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)