Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
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My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
Some of y’all tomorrow …
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it