My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
You Might Also Like
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.