I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
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Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
Spring of Deception
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.